At the delicate age of 12, I was thrust upon the etiquette class stage along with a select group of other seventh-grade classmates. We learned the basics of asking/receiving an invitation to dance, which fork to use first, why you don’t drink out of a finger bowl, etc.
One thing that was not covered in Promenade (no joke, that was the name), was how to correctly snarf fast food in a car. Why this was not discussed, I have no idea, but seriously, there are a few basic rules that must be followed in order for civilized society to continue to exist.
1. Please, in the name of all that’s holy, put the damn phone down before you start chowing on your dollar menu items. The person on the other end of the line doesn’t want to hear you smacking, and I would like to see at least one hand on the wheel.
2. As tempting as it might be, if you’re vain in any way, resist the urge to shove a fist full of fries down your pie hole while stopped at a red light. Pretend sexy, noted fashion photographer extraordinaire Nigel Barker is sitting behind that signal camera up on the pole, and/or realize the rest of us don’t want to witness the carnage in our rearview mirrors. I know we are a world in constant motion, but if you cannot pull over for five minutes, in between client meetings or dropping off kids, to consume a meal, then you might be a tad over scheduled.
3. Which leads me here, to the car snarfers (people who snarf in cars, not people who actually ingest vehicles) that do park before we partake – I’m talking to you freaky dude who saddled up next to me Monday in the Wendy’s parking lot – always, and I mean always, leave at least one parking space between yourself and another car snarfer. Two is preferable, one is mandatory, unless you want the poor unsuspecting mama in the Yukon parked next to you, with her innocent napping toddler in the back seat, start to wonder if you’re going to roll down the window and demand “it” put the ketchup in the basket.
3b. This is important: don’t take it personally should a fellow car snarfer throw it in reverse and relocate to a different parking space. Some people just like to eat alone. And by eating alone, I mean enjoy my Mandarin chicken salad without watching you, I mean someone, inhale a triple stack with cheese and large Frosty.
For your sake, I hope you remembered a mint before your next sales call.
And a handful of Tums.
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
This is so funny…and I really am sorry because it is obvious you have seen my Hubby driving!
now see? numbers 3 and 3b are precisely why i snarf on the run. i find adjacent snarfing completely unacceptable. i do always have a napkin in my lap AND one hand (sometimes even one hand and a wrist) on the wheel at all times.
It puts the ketchup in the basket just made me LOL.
Heh.
I will confess to being guilty of the "OMG I *must* snarf some of those fries" red light behavior before, but not a whole handful, just a few. And only when under the influence of massive PMS, so you know, justifiable. (That's one of the only two times I cave to the urge – or even *have* the urge – for Mickey D's. PMS or when I have been out drinking. Which I haven't since the college days……)
If and when I get drive through and am not, you know, driving afterwards, I always go to the farthest away, most remote spot in the parking lot. I don't want to see me with ketchup on my chin, much less having anyone – especially, God forbid, NIGEL – see me in such a state.
Ha, yep, I'd be totally uncomfortable with someone eating that close to me eating in my car (I swear that makes grammatical sense).
Though I'm definitely guilty of getting sour cream from Taco Bell all over my steering wheel more than once in my refusal to park and eat.
And now I want Wendy's and Taco Bell. Eating superhealthy to make up for the holidays this week is going to turn out wonderfully, I'm sure . . .
I'm guilty too of snarfing on the run. Not so bad as the situation you described, but nonetheless I hang my french-fried head in shame!
Ha!
Okay… I resemble this remark… only I eat the fries one at a time because otherwise I would look a little too much like… well not a properly bred lady.
AND I only eat them while at stop lights on the way home from said fast food joint… because by the time you get the bags of grease and salt home they are too cold to be properly enjoyed.
Other than that I have manners and I know how to use them… the Etiquette classes at Montgomery Ward in the 70's did stick after all.
I am a snarfer. Sob.
You've done the world a load of good by putting this downing writing EM. Especially the don't park too close.
Gross!
It's like everyone forgets that others can see what they do in the car.
DUDE! This is friggin' hilarious!! I never ever put a fistful of fries down my piehole at a light. I ever so delicately take one by one and chomp them down in a very sophisticated manner just in case I am being photographed by the LA paparazzi as I am often mistaken for a variety of celeb moms.
This is a good one Em. A real good one. Put it in your portfolio.
That is too funny! I always stop eating when I'm at a red light so I don't look like that snarfer you detest!
I truly think we need to meet. You might be my long lost bff! I swear you make me laugh, smile, cry, and sometimes all of the above with your posts!
Thanks for being real! Keep em coming! I hate to copy, but you might just be fodder for MY blog! ;o)
Now I got The Police running through my head.
When I'm on long road trips, I typically buy food that I can eat with my fingers (fries, chicken nuggets, etc.) That way I can keep the container in my lap and eat while I drive. I have even mastered the technique of holding a drink in the same hand that I steer with. I try to avoid doing this with stop and go driving since I never am able to get a bite in edgewise.
Thank you for sharing,
HA!
i've been guilty of #2. sometimes i can't help it, i just have to swipe a fry at the red light. sigh.
p.s.
'it puts the ketchup in the basket.' i am so telling hubby that one! we love quoting sotl.
You would have loved me eating salad bar tuna with a fork while driving to preschool pick up today.
Rule #4: crack the window when you go to retrieve your kid. Even in winter, tuna car is *not* pleasant.
Hilarious. But honestly I hardly read much past your providing my visual of Nigel Barker. BTW when is the next season of ANTM starting????
Now I am really craving a frosty…..
Shane fussed at me earlier because he found fries in the floorboard of the van. In my haste to eat some, I ended up dropping the darn box-thingy… before I even got one delicious Chick-Fil-A waffle fry in my pie hole.
Him: "You couldn't wait?!"
Me: "Dude, I was hungry! Don't judge me!"
What about someone, a friend we'll say, who likes to dip their fries in their frosty while driving? Was that covered in etiquette class
?
I agree with all those, but right now I will break all of them. A pregnant lady sometimes just has to eat right then.
I am with you! I don't eat while driving (unless you count peanut M&M's), and I can't stand to eat at a red light. It just seems tacky or something. I mean I know everyone eats, but to do it in a car in front of everyone just seems wrong. And the guy that parked next to you – what is up with that? Everyone should know that rule.
I can't stop giggling at your story. Thank you for stopping by my blog. I look forward to reading yours.
Oh no! I was at a red light eating fries, just the other day.
I hate to eat in the car and when I do, it's not pretty!
My kids, on the other hand, love to have a "car picnic".
I laughed the whole way through this! Loved it!
LOL! Love it. Em, thanks so much for visiting me and leaving so many sweet comments. So sorry that I'm just returning the favor now. I'm going to go peruse around your blog now
.
Blessings,
Beth
I'm so glad we have you to give us these lessons. I had no idea…but now I will faithfully comply. With the fries I always wait until I'm done with the grilled chicken sandwich so the fries will be cold and I won't eat as many. You didn't mention that rule. That one is Free…a Happy New Year's gift for you:) Holly
I don't know why they didn't teach this in promenade.
Because this etiquette is SPOT on.
I cannot stand to see people scarf their food in the car. There's something particularly repulsive about the way they take larger than normal bites in order to finish quickly and hopefully not crash…..:)
A Frosty sounds so good right now. And I would totally snarf it one space away from you! ; )
Hope your new year is going well Em!
Oh man, few things burn me up more than somebody in a drive-thru line or even in a grocery line yammering away on their cell phone…that is what makes me wish I had some kind of device that would emit a shrill, eardrum shattering sound into their phones and stop them in their tracks…
Too funny! That happens to me in the In N Out parking lot and it drives me crazy!
And i too have the Police song running through my head. Better than the Kidzbop song that was there though.
God, I hate eating in the car. When I was working in L.A., I had to stop for fast food, quite often. And it would be impossible to find a secluded, private spot to park in. As if that's not bad enough, I'd be eating and trying to listen to the radio and somebody would be next to me with gansta rap playing so loud the lettuce in my bowl would vibrate and whatever my radio was playing was totally obscured. Grrr…
I feel you pain.
These are wonderful tips. I know many people that could benefit from them:)
Funny – I was totally getting a visual.. of me.. scary.
Kelly
http://www.ivebecomemymother.com
I think I need to go to Promenade class. I didn't know we weren't supposed to drink out of finger bowls?
Oh my! I'm laughing so much I think my tea will come through my nose!
Ahh. sigh. I love these good laughs.
Hahahaha… Makes me wonder if i am a snarfer
I love this. It’s all so true and I am now horrified by my french fry eating faux-pas. At least I know to park at least one spot away, I mean really who couldn’t understand the need for privacy while eating in the car!?
I am visiting from Red Dress Club. This is very funny. Thanks for sharing today!
So glad you linked up over at RDC today. If you hadn’t, I’d have missed this opportunity to laugh and nod my head over and over again. Well played, Ash, well played indeed!
Stopping by from TRDC. I am totally guilty of #2, which made me laugh. I suppose I really should imagine that there would be a photographer (any photographer) there to capture the moment. I might just decide to wait until I get home
I love the whole list!
very funny and very true and very helpful PSA for Americans. How do people not know the 2 parking spot rule?
found you on TRDC.
The title of this post is genius. RDC
Too funny. As an occasional car snarfer, I completely relate to wanting total car privacy. If I wanted to eat with people, I would eat inside the food establishment! But I always eat my fries with the utmost decorum.
Stopping by from TRDC. Glad to meet you!
Awesome, keep it coming!