I just got, like, totally, OMGed – WTH?

by Ash on May 30, 2010

My American Eagle flight last weekend might not have crashed and burned, but thanks to someone sneezing somewhere within The Bullet, I’ve come down with a nasty bought of laryngitis – so a slow, painful death at the hands of modern aviation might still come to fruition.

In an effort to thwart those capitalistic pigs, I hit my local Care Now a couple hours ago to place an order for “the usual” – a steroid shot, straight up, paired with a Z-Pak chaser. After a short stint in the waiting room, where I willed myself to hover, I get called back by a woman, whom I will now refer to as Nurse I’ve-got-a-reflex-hammer-stuck-in-a-body-orifice, or Byotch, for short.

Byotch screams my name (mispronounced A-SHI-lay by the way), I trot over, give her a smile. She points to the scale and tells me to “get on.” She flicks the weight higher…over, over, over…over, sighs, writes it down (yeah, I don’t like it any more than you do), then sticks the thermometer in my ear, hard (the one that’s throbbing, thanks) and starts asking me questions.

I try to answer, but I sound like the result of a hot tryst between Kathleen Turner (is there a modern reference for 12 pack-a-day smoker’s voice?) and Alvin the Chipmunk. She then (yes) rolls her eyes ever so slightly, and tells me to “go to Room 1.” No finger to point the way mind you, though I’m sure I can guess which one she’d use, so I do the math – standing outside Room 5, look to the left, Room 6, process of elimination, I proceed to the right.

That’s when I hear the O.M.G. (she actually says the letters as she trudges past the checkout lady, not “Oh My God,” but “O.M.G.”)

Hello! I might look old and SAHM material to you, but I do speak text. Lord help me, if I could find the voice and the energy and my mace, I would turn around and ask, “what the hell is your problem?” but I chicken out. I know she stands between me and sweet, sweet meds.

I’m pretty sure she knows it too.

Byotch slams the door (seriously) and starts looking over my chart. She checks some stuff, writes some stuff, sighs some more – “you haven’t had a period since January?” (the last time I happened to be here).

Me: “Ah no, I just had it last weekend ( I save the complaints of frolicking on the beach à la feminine hygiene products commercial)

Byotch: “Says here you had a tubal in January.”

Now it’s my turn to O.M.G.

Me: “I had a tubal ligation after the birth of my second son in 2006, but I still get a period.” I resist the urge to ask for her credentials.

Byotch: “So, when was it?”

Me: “last.” “weekend.”

Byotch: snort “Doc will be here.” slam

Note to self: Come Tuesday, locate a GP with weekend hours.

(For the record, I was diagnosed with sinusitis, so American Eagle and Patient A are off the hook . Fair warning on any antibiotic abuse lectures – I have photos of green stuff and I’m not afraid to use them – Z-Pak is the only antibiotic I’m able to take that will not give me hives, swollen extremities and/or gastrointestinal issues so bad I would rather die. Peace.)

{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

tammy May 30, 2010 at 12:55 pm

Wow. She seriously needs to find a new line of work. Maybe one where compassion isn’t a requirement. I’d be making a complaint to someone if I were you.

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blueviolet May 30, 2010 at 1:13 pm

Talk about being in the wrong line of work! Byotch is right!

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Alexandra May 30, 2010 at 2:08 pm

You know, just like bad teachers, wth are you doing in people business, you know???

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tulpen May 30, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Nurses are such ass holes.

😉

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Shannon May 30, 2010 at 6:30 pm

She’s giving Nurse Ratched a run for her money, huh?

(feel better soon!)

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Heather @ nobody-but-yourself May 30, 2010 at 6:56 pm

I would’ve been sure to sneeze in her direction, at least twice. Maybe just wipe some of that green stuff on her, too. “Accidentally” of course.

And on my way out, with scrips in hand, I would’ve dropped a little WTF on her, as in “WTF is your problem? When was *your* last period, because you seem like you’ve got some serious PMS…”

Hope your green stuff is gone soon, my dear!

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Pseudo May 30, 2010 at 6:58 pm

She is in the wrong line of work. I usually like nurses….

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Erin May 30, 2010 at 8:21 pm

Whhhhhhaaatt?

Bless her heart. That’s about the nicest thing I can think of to say.

I hope you start feeling better soon. There is nothing worse than a spring/summer infection. It’s the pits.

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Texan Mama May 30, 2010 at 10:04 pm

I’m so sorry you’re sick AND you have to put up with bullshit. I hope you complained to someone higher up than her puny ass.

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michelle May 30, 2010 at 10:48 pm

I’m with tulpen. Nurses are assholes.

Hope you feel better soon

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Jen May 31, 2010 at 7:50 am

Terrible. Just terrible. She should not be allowed to call herself a nurse.

Hope you get better soon.

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Texasholly May 31, 2010 at 8:06 am

O.M.G. I am so proud of you for not punching her.

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gigi May 31, 2010 at 8:12 am

so glad you posted on my blog yesterday, because your site had disappeared from my feed (several have!).

Wowza. That’s all I can say about that “nurse.” She’s not even worthy of the term.

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J May 31, 2010 at 10:48 am

And now I will say what you are all dying to hear………….
WELCOME to socialized medicine. That is everyday at a Military clinic. Some are very nice but most have no bed side manner as they are trained for field ops not civilian care. Not their fault, so we just suck it up. The kids don’t even know any different until we came to DC and we got to go to civilian DRs. You should have seen their faces the first time a nurse gave them a sticker and my face the first time we didn’t have to wait 45 mins past our appt time to be seen. ;0)
Happy Memorial day….
NavyWife

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froggity! May 31, 2010 at 1:05 pm

UGH. NOTHING WORSE than a mean nurse. seriously.

because if you’re at the docs, you most likely do NOT want to be there in the first place…and sorry to INCONVENIENCE her with actual work while she’s getting paid… grr.

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Sassy Britches May 31, 2010 at 7:53 pm

Kathleen Turner still works with THIS particular group (aka ME); got it right off. :)

I would have hawked a green loogie in her face if I were you. Serves the Byotch right.

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Elaine June 1, 2010 at 11:10 am

My husband is a HUGE fan of the “steroid shot with Z-Pak chaser.” For a minute I thought he was writing this post. 😉

Hope you’re feeling better friend! And WTH was wrong with that CB? (crazy byotch)

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Lee of MWOB June 1, 2010 at 11:16 am

Oh Ash – what an experience. Yikes.

And when you threatened to use photographic evidence to justify your use of antibiotics that really made me chuckle because although I don’t really “know” you, I feel like I kinda “know” you and I would never imagine you to do such a thing. Ha ha!

:-)

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Denise June 2, 2010 at 11:42 am

Sounds like SHE had her period…ugh. I hope you find another place to go…..that place sucks.

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Catherine June 3, 2010 at 4:14 pm

I don’t agree with some of the other commentors that nurses in general are assholes, I would say that particular nurse is.

I hope you are feeling better.

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Ash June 3, 2010 at 5:01 pm

Full disclosure – tulpen and Michelle are nurses :-) Jen too.

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The Mayor June 3, 2010 at 10:01 pm

I think we had better develop a comprehensive plan to deal with health care providers who regularly act like assholes.

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