(A little housekeeping first – I’m having a masochistic blast with the fiction challenges, but I know it’s not everyone’s bloggy cup of tea. For now, I will keep it to Friday posts, with my usual desperately-trying-to-be-entertaining schlock falling on Tuesdays. Hey look 31DBBB, I just created an editorial calendar.)
The Red Dress Club challenge: For Friday’s meme, we’d like to work on dialogue. Craft a piece of short fiction featuring the dialogue between two people arguing. Focus more on the spoken language and less on setting details. Think “Hills Like White Elephants” by Hemingway.
For the record, I had to Google that Hemingway piece - the difference between a Journalism degree and an English degree. Shameful really.
“Irreconcilable Sticker”
Annie is herding the kids towards the minivan when she hears Brian park his sedan on the street.
“Come on guys, in, sit, buckle. Daddy’s here.”
A chorus of “Yeah!” fills the garage.
Brian wanders up, hesitant at first, but quickens his pace as he views Annie’s handiwork done to the too-cute, one-big-happy-family sticker that once graced the back window. He always thought it was an egotistical announcement to the rest of the world that they had their “American Dream” – where’s yours? But Annie had insisted upon it.
In the end, fate couldn’t resist the temptation.
“What the hell is this?”
“Hey. Shhh,” she says. “The kids are in there.”
“Jesus Annie. Use a razor blade or just your claws? Really nice.”
“It’s officially my car now. You had to go.”
“It looks like a freakin’ crime scene outline. Couldn’t you just scrape the whole thing off?”
“You’re the one who felt invisible. You had to go find yourself. Figured I’d give you one less place to look.”
Annie double checks the kids seat belts, blows kisses and hands Brian the keys.
“When are you trading in that ridiculous thing for something bigger? This is totally inconvenient for me,” she says.
“Emma will be old enough to sit up front next month. Then it won’t matter.” He gives the gory mess one more glance. ”Maybe I’ll just finish your half-assed job this weekend. Typical.”
“Listen, I spend all my time chasing this little bow head and this little bow head and this little dude with the baseball cap, half-assed is about all I have left.”
With a sigh, Brian opens the driver’s side door and climbs in.
“You said it. Not me.”
(Some of you guys in the way-back crowd might remember my post that inspired this fictional argument. I still wonder about this mom and how she’s doing today.)
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Glad you had the link to the old post…I was wondering what the sticker was. You did a great job of conveying the quiet anger of parents arguing in front of their kids. I really like the piece…would have totally kept reading.
Thanks so much Sara. I switched around a few things to reference the “back window” a little earlier, hoping to add a clue to the sticker reference. Thinking I went a little too light on the description. Work in progress
I agree with Sara the link to your other post brought it all together for me as I too did not get exactly the significance of the sticker or what might be on it. I think to make this story perfect as a stand alone piece you somehow need to weave into it what she is trying to do, removing his image from one of those family stickers. That being my one critiquing point as it is a very lovely writing of a conversation, simple and yet all the emotion comes through and makes the reader beg to know more. Very good. Do you give lessons?
You’re too kind sweet lady. I appreciate you suggestion so much. As soon as I finish feeding the boys breakfast (seriously an hour-long process) I’ll be doing some tweaking…
OK, not to drive you crazy or anything, but yeah, I was a mite confused, too. I’m sure one line of dialogue could explain the whole thing.
The rest, as usual, top-notch. The bitterness oozes through that dialogue. Man, I can’t wait to see your manuscript.
Boys fed, yeah! More added to “Brian wanders up…”
(she asks sheepishly) Did that help out?
I like the snappy feel of the dialog. Context definitely helped, but I’m sure this is just a small part of a larger piece, so I think it’s fine.
Thanks for sharing!
Visiting from SITS. Hope you have a great weekend.
Oh yeah, perfect. It brings the whole story together. Absolutely perfect. And I dig this world, too. It is amazing how peers can help shape your story. Just wait till you get to manuscript critiquing. I have, at times, crumpled at things people told me. But in the end, all the suggestions and critiques have made my story better for it.
I, for one, knew EXACTLY what you were talking about with the stickers. And I love the image of her scraping it off.
Hey!
I need some argument fodder from you. That way the next time I’m gonna fight? I’ll be ready with some good ammo!
I thought you did a great job.
I wasn’t confused about the sticker.
Loved her line about giving him one less place to look. Spoken like a true wise ass……
keep it up,
NW
It is seething with resentment. I love it!
I liked your story. You expressed her emotions well in the dialogue. I could feel her anger at him. Great job.
The additional line makes it just perfect – am laughing reading Cheryl’s comment and some others about understanding perfectly as they read it after the line was added
This is a great great dialogue.
I’m not surprised you did a great job. I knew it before I even came over.
Yeah, really good dialogue. I feel her. You make this real to me.
You’re always like that, though..I’ve never been disappointed when I follow your link over.
I also love the controlled anger. I like the little details that suggest that Annie has some control issues…double checking the seatbelts, insisting on the sticker in the first place….
It makes me feel that the ripping away is all the more an act of rage, which makes me wonder how she will channel this rage.
I’m assuming he’s the mid-life crisis BS. Is there more to him?
As you can see, I’m intrigued.
Oh, I loved this! I loved it! I could totally feel their animosity and the imprint of their former “perfect” life. Fabulous!
I read it before you added the extra info just didn’t comment the first time. I love the way you capture the raw frustration of both parents…you can picture them trying to stay calm so their kids don’t over hear. Very nice.
I kind of hate those stickers, and I had a good time imagining the carnage. The bitterness was great– I really liked this!
Great story! The dialogue really flowed and I loved that she scratched him out. Their bitterness toward each other really came through.
That was great! I knew exactly what sticker you were talking about. It is a bit sad but I just love it!
I liked it! Well done.
Interesting. But the link to the other post was definitely necessary. Keep on going with the story . . .
Nice.
I always enjoy reading a piece where one does not get everything explained to them outright. The signs are there leading towards the path to “aha!” Enjoyed this. Complex and well-written.