It’s Nancy and a drinking game – two of my favorite things!

by Ash on November 2, 2010

Howdy campers. As Hubs would say, do you want the good news or the bad news?

Yeah, I always go with the bad news first as well.

Bad news: About three hours and little over 1,000 words into NaNoWriMo, I decided to get all crazy with my format settings, add some page numbers, you know, goof off without actually goofing off. Well, one thing clicked to another, and then all of a sudden, poof. And me with no auto save selected. Seriously. All gone. Bye bye. But while in the midst of my preparations for hari kari (10 points for naming that movie), a new plot line sprang forth, and all was right with my NaNo self.

Good news: Rockin’ Nancy from Away We Go kindly agreed to bring class and style to my blog by guest posting for me today. The Red Dress Club has brought so many wonderful things to my little world, but none as cool and as sweet and as supportive as Nancy. If you hurry up and click to her blog, you might land on her truly awesome Red Writing Hood post. Don’t miss her About Me page either. She’s my kind of lady, a mother of two adorable boys, wife to one adoring man, and all around good egg. Visit her often. She’s the real deal.

But, read her here first…

Dear House Hunters on HGTV,

You are totally harshing my mellow.

Because I had total control of the remote last night, I watched your fine program, House Hunters. It took about five minutes for me to be consumed with irrational hatred regrading everything and everyone involved with the show.

It took place in Las Vegas, and the house-hunting couple looked at three MANSIONS. These were utterly huge homes, with soaring ceilings, skylights, hardwood floors, and enough granite to drown the entire Soprano family.

I think the most expensive home was $250,000 dollars. That home used to belong to Siegfried and Roy.

Perhaps I exaggerate.

However, it was still a lot of house, and it had a built-in grill and wet bar in the backyard. Meanwhile, a nice townhouse runs almost $300,000 around here.

I sat in my cottage, a place I had considered charming and green and perfect for us just fifteen minutes ago, overcome with house lust. I would love a claw-foot bathtub! I need a six-burner Viking range! And, yes, if you insist, I’ll take the steam shower!

HGTV, your house hunters made me want to hit my head with a cinder block. Looking at a living room the size of my entire bottom floor, the female house hunter whined, “It’s a nice house, but I don’t like the color.” Because, yes, once you paint a wall, it cannot ever, EVER(!) be changed.

The husband on this episode continually said the same three things: “This would be a great place to put my big screen TV.”; “This might be the perfect room for my man cave,”; and “It needs to have a garage big enough for all of my toys.”

When did man caves, big screen TVs, and abundant room for toys become necessities?  And why must the men ALWAYS say these things on every episode?

I’ve decided, HGTV, to make a  House Hunters Drinking Game.

You must drink every time one of the following phrases is uttered:

1. This would be a great room for entertaining.
2. I don’t like the color/floor/cabinets.
3. This is too small (Note: they never, ever, say that any room is too big).
4. I love the open floor plan.
5. This would be a great place for my big-screen TV.
6. Finally, I have a place for all my toys.
7. This would be a great place to drink coffee in the mornings.
8. This is a great walk-in closet. I don’t know where my husband will put his clothes, though.(Heh, heh. Sigh.)
9. I love the stainless steel and/or I love the granite counter-tops.
10. This will need to be updated.

Every time they describe something as “nice,” you must drink. Also, if they have a pet and they mention how the house will be perfect for little Scruffy or Lambchop, you must drink.

When it comes time to reveal, if you correctly selected the chosen house, you must chug.

After completing this game, you will no longer care about the conditions of your own house, and will be content to live in your own drunken filth.

HGTV, I believe that this game is brilliant and could increase your ratings. Please let me know if you will accept this fantastic idea. You may pay me with throw pillows, recessed lighting, and, naturally, stainless steel appliances.

Yours most sincerely,

Nancy

(see, told ya.)

{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }

gigi November 2, 2010 at 5:21 am

OMG. You nailed it! We watch HH incessantly. Last night I was bemoaning the young couple who had $650,000 to spend and they were complaining about the most ridiculous stuff: “I couldn’t possibly move in here unless this brass shower stall was replaced.”

The “I can imagine us drinking our coffee on this balcony” phrase and “I love the open floor plan” drive me bananas.

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Nancy C November 2, 2010 at 12:25 pm

The show is so addictive…and it kills me that $650,000 isn’t even considered extravagant in some areas. Thanks for reading!

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Heather @ nobody-but-yourself November 2, 2010 at 6:10 am

My husband refuses to watch that show, so unless he is otherwise occupied (like, say, down in his man cave – oh wait a minute, he doesn’t *have* a man cave, shoot!), I don’t get to watch it.

I particularly enjoy the “international” versions of the show, where folks are searching for that perfect pied-à-terre in some much more exotic locale than even the “domestic” Hawaii episodes can boast. (It is partially due to one of those Hawaii-set HH episodes that I now refer to our back porch as a “lanai” by the way…)

I would employ this drinking game next time I get to watch, but I’m a total lightweight and I fear I’d be in a coma by the first commercial break. Perhaps instead I’ll substitute our leftover Halloween candy for alcohol. Every time someone loves the open floor plan? Quick, down another Kit Kat! 😀

(And Ash, best of luck with NaNo – hope the autosave is on from here on out!)

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Nancy C November 2, 2010 at 12:31 pm

That Kit-Kat idea is pure brillance. I could work my way through all the leftovers in just one show.

I agree that HH is man-repellent.

Thanks for reading!

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michelle November 2, 2010 at 6:41 am

This is too funny. This is also why I got rid of cable. The constant bombardment of evidence proving that people have their heads up their you know whats was putting me over the edge.

Love you Nance

And Ash-John Cusack popped into my head with that hari kari thing. Better Off Dead or Say Anything?

xo

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:07 pm

Love you too. We actually don’t have cable anymore either. This is a post from the days when I could allow myself to zone out to HGTV. I do miss feeling superior with just the click of a button.

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TheKitchenWitch November 2, 2010 at 7:07 am

Well, the only reason that house was affordable was because, you know, in order to buy it you’d have to MOVE TO FREAKING NEVADA, THAT HELLHOLE. If it makes you feel any better. :)

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:08 pm

I did think that while I was watching. Yes, it’s cheap, but you have to live with the likes of Donny and Marie. No thank you.

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Yuliya November 6, 2010 at 5:17 pm

hey hey hey, there’s more to Nevada than Vegas, simmma down now!

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erin November 2, 2010 at 9:00 am

Okay, I live under a rock and although I’ve never seen this show, this post still made me laugh and I think it sounds like a total rad drinking game! Nancy, you are always so witty. Love that about you. And Ash, I’m thrilled you were able to recover from a potential NaNo disaster. WOOOOO!

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:09 pm

This show is so very addictive—no thinking involved, just contempt for all the participants. That is, if you’re bitter and without a soul, like myself.

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Kim November 2, 2010 at 9:02 am

Found you through Nancy’s site…and I found her through the RDC too. I laughed out loud especially because being drunk would make that show more tolerable. I’m guilty of watching it too and it can be really depressing while my toddler runs around screaming and tripping over every toy we own on the living room floor.

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:10 pm

Yes! I find myself staring the varying states of ugly in my home, growing increasingly bitter. This is why I do not miss HGTV, now that we don’t have cable. It’s instant bitterness, and I don’t need more negativity in my life!

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Joey @ Big Teeth & Clouds November 2, 2010 at 9:04 am

Ooh that stinks about the auto-save failure! Hope things are going better now.

My husband always says, “what are they clowns?” when the HGTV people make comments about the entertaining.

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:11 pm

That is hilarious! Maybe they could ride a unicycle on those hardwood floors!`

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Jo November 2, 2010 at 9:33 am

I feel this way anytime I watch the home makeover or shopping shows!

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:13 pm

Poison for the mind! I am so not good at that kind of stuff, either. That is, unless you consider toy trains a decorative accent piece!

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Nikki November 2, 2010 at 9:40 am

I had to laugh out loud at this post! So so so true… so so so true. And so so so ANNOYING!!!! Oh no, not your post, but that show! I know the show you speak of. Is it the one where a bunch of people get on a bus and go look at properties in foreclosures?

All shades of wrong. Just all shades.

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:14 pm

This is the one where people look at three homes and then “choose” one. I think it’s fishy to begin with…I suspect they’ve already selected the home before they start. Hm….this really reveals that I spend too much time thinking of this show!

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Nikki November 2, 2010 at 9:42 am

Oh another thing! I absolutely cannot watch that show with my mom. Or any of those Home shoes of ANY kind. Because she starts complaining about our house. We need new carpet… I wonder how much it would cost for granite counters to be put in…. I hate the wall colors… blablabla. So this drinking game of yours? I am so going to try!

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:14 pm

Yes, I do the same thing. Which is why I maintain that wine can be the answer to all problems.

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Kristina P. November 2, 2010 at 10:26 am

Man, I would be drinking a lot!

You forgot, “This 1,000 square foot yard is a little small.”

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:15 pm

RIGHT! After all, there needs to be room for the dog to run around. The dog which always seems to be about five pounds soaking wet.

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Jay November 2, 2010 at 12:16 pm

Hic

Hic

Hic

I just

Hic

Wha?

Hic

Was I talking?

Hic

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:16 pm

Whee! Hic!

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Elaine November 2, 2010 at 2:16 pm

The closet thing always pisses me off but I still watch for some reason. Probably because if I could, I’d walk into every house in this town, just to see what it looks like inside. I love that kind of stuff.

And now, I’m going to be drunk every time I watch. My husband it going to hate HH even more now… 😉

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:17 pm

Yes! You’ve nailed it! I love this show because I secretly want to look into everybody’s house and peer into their closets. It’s totally true!~

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Michele Renee November 2, 2010 at 3:51 pm

This is hilarious—and so timely because we watched a couple episodes last night. A few weeks ago we were all hysterical at my house because the couple had a 2 yr old child named Jackson and everything the mom saw she said, “This would be perfect for Jackson”. I would have had alcohol poisoning in 30 minutes easy.
P.S. I’ll never forget the one episode of a child-free couple getting the dream kitchen she wanted. After they moved in, she was cooking….frozen peas in boiling water from a bag in the freezer. Nothing else. She could have handled that with a camp stove.

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:18 pm

OMG. You totally get it. I hate Jackson, and I haven’t even seen that episode. Poor Jackson. Not his fault.

I hate it when I see them “entertaining” in their huge kitchens, serving cheese platters from the grocery store. Good thing they insisted on that gas range with a built-in griddle.

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Cathy Webster November 2, 2010 at 7:40 pm

You nailed every one of those lines! Every darn one!
So impressed. No wonder Ash loves you so much.
(Good luck with nano this year! Save, save, save!)

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Trust me, it’s a two-way-deal. I just adore Ash and hope to say “I knew her then.”

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Jen November 2, 2010 at 8:30 pm

Every time, EVERY TIME, I watch House Hunters I think of Nancy and this classic post. LOL! And now my oldest son loves the show and watches with me too. :)

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:19 pm

I totally thought of you when I reposted.

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Lanita November 3, 2010 at 10:33 am

Loved the post! My husband would be a perfect fit for a show like that. He’s infamous for saying “Well, if we’re gonna spend this much we might as well go ahead and…” I tell him all the time I’m gonna put those words on his tombstone when he dies. Nothing is ever big enough or bad enough for him, it’s always give me more!
Ash – just a little tip about saving – Though I’m good at saving frequently, I tend to suck at backing-up, mostly because I’m too lazy to dig out the external drive and the memory card. My way of working around this is to periodically email myself a copy of the manuscript and leave it in my inbox. That way it doesn’t matter if my computer crashes, I can always access it from someone elses. Each time I send a new copy, I delet the old. OK, well I’m totally anally paranoid, so I usually leave the 3 most recent copies in my inbox, but you get the picture. Do not file it though! Since you can only access your personal folders from your own computer (as far as I know) it would defeat the whole purpose. Good luck Nano-ing! I’m at just over 4000 words so far.

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:20 pm

Yup. I think we’re all guilty of the bigger is better theory. I mean, you should see the size of my favorite coffee cup. It holds three normal cups, easy.

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joann mannix November 3, 2010 at 12:27 pm

First of all, Ash, OUCH! I’ve been there and I still feel the pain. You sound like you rebounded brilliantly. I hope you’re writing your amazing head off. I sent out a little shout out to you in my post today, but do NOT feel pressure to go over there and read. At the end of NaNO, go read it.

And Nancy. Good gosh, she is always amazing, funny or sweet, always, always amazing. I love me a good drinking game. And just so you know, Nanc, I have an expansive home and these days, I’m dreaming of a smaller place. More rooms, more square footage, only means more dust and more places for the kids to throw their crap down. It’s still dirty, even if it’s big. So, I’ll join you in the drinking, for sure.

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:21 pm

I keep telling myself that I like my small house because it takes less time to clean. So, thank you for helping me with that train of thought.

I love your kind words. You and Ash are going to rock the literary world. Mark my words.

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Tracie November 3, 2010 at 1:27 pm

I have a total love/hate relationship with this show…so I think your drinking game is genius. Genius I tell you!

As to the deletion of the writing project. Eeeek! How awful. I’m glad that you got hit with some great inspiration. In the glad is half full line of thinking….at least it happened at three days in and not at 13 or 30. That would have been really awful!

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:22 pm

House Hunters, I don’t know how to quit you.

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Nancy C November 3, 2010 at 2:23 pm

Ash! Thank you so much for the opportunity to meet your super-awesome readers. I hope your writing is going well and that you have no more terrifying hiccups!

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Aging Mommy November 4, 2010 at 6:35 pm

When I was pregnant and also when my daughter was a baby and my brain was atrophied I watched HH all the time and loved it. I knew my brain was beginning to function again when I finally decided I could no longer watch this program :-)

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Nancy C November 10, 2010 at 8:04 pm

It is the ultimate show for the early days of babyhood…mindless, repetitive, easy on the exhausted mommy brain.

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tammy November 5, 2010 at 9:09 pm

This is so funny because I love watching House Hunters but it drives me absolutely bonkers when every couple says the same thing! And now I think I’ve just found a way to get my husband to watch this show with me.

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Nancy C November 10, 2010 at 8:04 pm

I aim to bring marriages closer though drinking. :)

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Yuliya November 6, 2010 at 5:22 pm

Tragically we don’t have cable. So when I visit my in-laws who do I o’d on all things tasteless and mindless, and HGTV doesn’t quite make the cut when there’s gems like ’16 and Pregnant’ and the like on the air. Can you make a drinking game out of that one next?

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Nancy C November 10, 2010 at 8:05 pm

Oh, Good Lord. Every time somebody acts like a douchebag, drink. We’ll be out cold before the opening credits.

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Alexandra November 8, 2010 at 7:47 am

Yay!

A fellow drinking partner.

I think these folks is nuts!

Yay for Nancy C here…she is the realdeal.

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Nancy C November 10, 2010 at 8:05 pm

Thank you, my dear. Always looking for good writers and drinking buddies. You may just fit the bill.

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debbie November 8, 2010 at 3:16 pm

I love this! Can’t wait to share it with my husband. We watch that all the time (only thing on at that time of night) and every single person says those things!

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Nancy C November 10, 2010 at 8:06 pm

It’s like they’ve been given a script! Hmmmmmmmm

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Lawyer Mom November 8, 2010 at 9:28 pm

Ha! Crazy me, I was expecting a post about Nancy Pelosi and the despondent Dems playing quarters. But this was even better.

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Nancy C November 10, 2010 at 8:06 pm

Oh, but the other possibility is intriguing as well.

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