Most of you guys probably already know I’m the proud mama to two future men. Oldest is turning 9 this weekend, ugh. Youngest is 5 1/2. They share the same parents, a passion for Hot Wheels and an obsession with baked goods, but other than that, they’re just about as polar as you can get.
Oldest is the product of being a first-born to two Virgos. A somewhat anxious people pleaser, I blame myself for his future Paxil bills. He colors in the lines, returns his library books on time and would never dream of mixing plaids with stripes. I once overheard him tell his Dad that “mom should get that” after watching the Wonder File Portable Workstation commercial. He has finally moved past apologizing when he clocks some guy on the soccer field, so the kid might still have a decent future.
On the other hand, Youngest is an I-couldn’t-care-less-about-what-you-think-of-me kind of guy. Usually in a self-confident way, say with a hug, but in more instances than I would like, it can be in a rude way. He’ll play with you if he’s in the mood, but he’s just as content to wander off holding a dialog with one of the voices in his head.
Kind of like me.
My Oldest never displayed this type of independent behavior, and that worried me a great deal back then. Which is why my husband thinks it’s now a laugh riot that I’m stressing over Youngest actually using his creativity and embracing entertaining himself, even when he’s at recess with his kindergarten class.
My worries: I want him to assimilate. I want him to make friends easily. I want him to not draw stares as he lets out a tire-squeal sound-effect when he rounds the corner on the playground.
You know, be a sheep. Just like his brother.
I’m not proud of this fact. At all. I’m actually writing this so that I might exorcise the demons and get the hell over myself. Who am I to want to shove this round peg into a square hole?
I’m his mother who wants his life to be easy, that’s who.
I pray every night that I’m not fucking up these miracles, these incredible souls. Not so much with that wording of course, since I’m thinking He wouldn’t approve, but you get the gist.
However, from this moment further, I’m changing my prayers to “Dear Lord, help me accept my sweet boys just as they are, like all the other good moms I know.”
“P.S. Pretty please tell me it’s not too late.”
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Ah…and now you sound like me who worried constantly that although I gave both boys the same tools, my eldest decided to BE ONE instead of USE ONE.
I’ll tell you like you ALL told me…all you can do is the best you can do. They’ve got great parents (albeit one’s a little psychotic…you pick which) and you’re giving them all the tools they need to make it in the world. That’s all you can do Ash.
You’re lucky they’re still young and you can still help mold them into who they’re going to be some day. That ship sailed here. lol
It’s not too late. They’re going to be fine young men someday; each with his own remarkable and creative approach to what they will want their worlds to look like.
So sweet. When it comes down to it we all want our kids to be happy and liked by others, don’t we? You just need to accept that he is happy and well liked by others just the way he is. You know that, you just need to believe it. I am a bit envious when I see that independant-don’t-care-what-others-think attitude in my boys. I never had that either and wish I did!
While my 4 boys have little pieces of each others personality, it surprises me how different each one really is! My youngest turns 5 today and I am in avery melancholy mood about ti!
Another mom of a birthday boy here. My youngest turns 11 today. It is so normal to worry about them having friends and fitting in. Quite the anxiety inducing thoughts for us moms. But just continue to teach them both to use their manners and be nice to people and the good people will flock to them.
Plus, your youngest can be the wingman for oldest one day so they’ll be good for each other.
Wait! You mean after I (if I ever) get pregnant there will be more to worry about?
Maybe I’ll just get another puppy.
Or not?
All kidding aside, the fact that you are aware of the things you write about and are willing to consider what is best for your boys is what will make it all OK.
Your youngest is just like Hayden. Hayden plays to the beat of his own drum and I love him for that. A couple of kids at school, not so much.
I know of your struggles and wishes but all we can do is love them for who they are and give them the tools to deal with the cruel world.
I’m pretty sure I’m fucking my miracles up, and doing a bang up job of it.
But I also think I’m doing a less shitty job than MY parents did. And I turned out ok right?
Right???
Oh girl, you are singing my song. And any mother who says she doesn’t have thoughts like this is lying. But I also have to ask myself, what IS “normal” these days? I don’t really think it exists. And I KNOW perfect does not.
They’ll be fine. You know, if mine will, then so will yours…
hugs.
I think we all struggle with this as parents. We want to celebrate the individuality of our kids, but also protect them from being singled out for being different. It is a tough line to walk. Just today my 9 yo daughter came home (4th grade, almost 10) and said her first ever school best friend called her weird.
So we talked about how that made her feel and then used it as a lesson in how to treat your siblings. I also suggested she take a break from this friendship, as it has been very up and down lately anyway. Sometimes this is hard, parenting.
Us mothers are experts at worrying about everything, you know?! We just want our kids to be “normal” so they can be happy. I’m sure he’ll be just fine! But easy for us to reassure you, I know.
Just a reminder that if you’re having these worries, you’re doing a good job already.
Oh my goodness.
I posted just this very thing…at Just.Be.Enough today.
I’m not kidding.
I remember reading, “accept a child for who he is, and watch him blossom” when my middlest was about 3, and I”ve been reminding myself of that daily.
Because your gut reactions don’t change..they stay the same. The rest take conscientious effort on our part.
So glad I stopped over.
Mine are 16, 14, and 9 now.
And it’s middlest who has his own drum.
It’s difficult when you have to wrap your head around a little personality that doesn’t conform.
I have one too. And I finally feel excited for my dude. He’s going to be a great man someday.
I didn’t always feel that way.
But I do now. (He’s 14.)
Having three boys of my own and now a male foreign exchange student, I have four boys 16 and under in my house who are all different. I have two very social boys. I have one who does fine alone, is not overly interested in socializing, loves to read and play video games and be on his own. Being that I am very social, I have to struggle not to push my social “needs” on my anit-social child. Maybe I will start praying your prayer!
The exchange student I am still learning about.
If you’re worrying about fucking up, you are not. Good job, Mom. Sounds like you’re on the right track. Nothing about the job is logical. My two daughters have survived a single mom and grown to their twenties and thirties. Yours’ll be fine. Oh, and one of the lessons that brought me the most humility was that I had less to do with how they turned out than their friends, teachers; etc. It’s true. Your job is just to be consistent, to be available, to be supportive. Which it sounds like you’re doing very well.
I find new reasons to pray for my son all the time. There are some things I want for him.
Oh I just love your writing. And from one mother of two boys to another, I get you on this exact level.
No way is it too late!
And I love that prayer. I’m going to adopt it myself.
Have a lovely day…
Ash, when I think of my own two daughters, I can’t wait to see how similar and different they are as they develop their own personalities and share certain traits. I know I will itch to steer them one way or another, but you’re right, I should just accept them as they are because really, they’re just perfect being who they are aren’t they?