I did an odd thing this morning. Well, I guess two odd things since I’m finally writing a post. But the first one was going for a walk, sans Pandora or talk radio blaring in my ears.
I forced myself to be still.
I know, difficult to do while walking, but what I mean is that I forced my brain to be still. I have this very bad habit – I like to revisit worries like a mad woman spinning plates. Like if I don’t give that nagging thought a twirl every other minute or so it will just slip out of my ear and shatter upon the floor.
Not a bad thing when I really think about it.
I fill my head with noise, noise, noise so that I have an excuse not to spin instead of making the conscious choice to simply stop spinning, because right now I have a room full of plates, all with different names and to-dos. It has that repetitive dididi-dididi-dididi-didididadum-dididadum music going faster and faster.
So much noise and motion that I no longer hear myself.
That I don’t hear the silence of my boys being gone.
But best of all, I can’t hear the characters that I once longed to create banging on the gates wondering why they’re not finally being let out to play. I fooled myself into thinking that once I had some “me time,” whatever the hell that means, I would finally be able to write. I find myself now mired down in the “why bothers?” and “too trite” as I watch people around me deal with real problems.
I’m not asking for a pity party or a pick me up. I’m actually turning off comments, if I can figure out how to do that, just so that I don’t feel quite as guilty if the plate labeled “online friends” slips off its stick and falls to the ground as I begin my search for peace.
Love you guys – Ash
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